A sexologist and psychotherapist tells about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
The rise of power, or where does "male power" go?
The internet and television have been flooded with ads for "miracle" pills and medicines that promise to restore "male potency" and save erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, arises from demand. What happened - why did the men "wait"? The internet and social networks turned out to be "more interesting" than live women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their masters less and less have a desire to be a man as well as a desire to fulfill that desire?
These and other questions were answered by our correspondent a well-known sexologist-psychotherapist.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and sex life in general, it is impotence. . . Is this right?
- The term "impotence" is excluded from the world classification of diseases and is replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is really still common in everyday life. The translation literally means "without power". For men, this is a very important area of life. And if there are failures in it, then in almost every case, regardless of the main reasons, there is also a mental component. Men see only the symptoms, the result. And they refer to the loss of an erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component joins these complaints. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think of men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work but also in their personal lives.
There is a lot of talk now about impotence "becoming younger". Is that so?
- I have 16 years of practice in this profession and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my observations. Indeed, over the last 10 - 15 years, a decline in the average age of our patients can be observed. More and more young people are participating. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40, now it is 35.
When a man "can not and does not want to", what guilt should be in the first place: physiology, psychology or perhaps social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When communicating with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle - how are his emotions, does he get enough sleep, is there a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, how is the behavior of the partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only seeks fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is an anxious expectation syndrome of sexual failure. In this state, a man fixes the failure, and next time he is already expecting it. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or unintentionally "throws gasoline on the fire", a sexual neurosis is formed. And the husband ignites "avoidant behavior. "Some clash with work or alcohol. Some - subconsciously provoke quarrels with their wife, so that the idea of intimacy seems absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and the relationship with a partner, woman. And it is not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist because of illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
Not "can" or "will not"?Women are often troubled by a question: what is more important - "can not" or "does not want"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "not want" and "not be able" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, first of all, a clear indication of "I want", and not "I can". But even this "desire" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, the temperament of a man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse the woman of wanting "too much" of it?
- You can ask for compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, soft strokes. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. Once the word or thought "should" is born, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
More and more, they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man - is it really that awful for the intimate sphere?
- Of course. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And reduces the rate of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels rise - the level of anti-stress hormone prolactin rises, and it, in turn, suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in men and women. As a result, deactivation of the sexual sphere occurs.
The main woman is the mother.It is said that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and his relationship with his mother - is that true?
- Without a doubt! The first female prototype for a boy is a mother. It is what lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Any woman who wants happiness for her baby, especially a boy, should breastfeed at least the first year after giving birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative attitude is formed, open or caring towards the female sex. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete, and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will see neither feminine nor masculine behavior as a result. . . And as a result, his experience of communicating with the opposite sex. can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, to disappointment. . . Moreover, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change partners endlessly, being left alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, ie debauchery without the ability to create deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes mothers make when raising boys?
- The boy should see an example of masculine behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. At the bottom are the uncles, the grandparents. But ideally, of course, there should be a father who loves the son's mother. Excessive care, pressure, dictation are dangerous. They are fraught with displaying infantile and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Get married - only for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and do everything to please their husband. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Maybe in general a woman behaves so "wrongly" that her husband simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on a woman, both in the positive and in the negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in messy clothes, scold him in case of sexual failure (though, if you think about it, it's actually not his failure, but hers), not support her, buthumiliate and "finish". off "with your words and all your behavior, and here is the result: he wants nothing! Therefore, to the young women who come to see me, I keep telling them: " Marry for love, respect your husband, praise him - and he will move mountainsfor you! "Regular appearance, good physical shape, perfume, care are always a plus. But some women's panic obsession with their appearance is already a problem of a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are attracted to each other only by their body, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There should be a desire of souls, people should be interested together not only in bed but also outside of it.
These "terrible" businesswomen. Does it happen that a successful social woman does not attract, but scares a man? After all, where did the armies of beautiful, smart, and successful women suffering from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It is not about success, but about behavioral patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use masculine behavior patterns - for example, she becomes persistent, harsh and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, "brave" men do not like this. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sister"), such a model may seem attractive, as they are accustomed to obey.
Take care of men! If a woman is willing to fight for her husband, for family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you should let him sleep. Absolutely refrain from any criticism - even what a woman may find constructive. Apologize for past mistakes. To express that she does not need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And against this background - relaxing daily massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics in this background, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find hidden medical and psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the husband that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" waiting. Meetings with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it is possible!
Is there an example from your practice when a woman helped a man gain self-confidence - in every sense?
- I will tell you about my last patient's wife. Her demeanor is amazing! I was contacted by an entrepreneur who had suffered greatly in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell on him and amid the stress began a decline of attraction to his wife. But most of all, he was worried about how he would tell her that, perhaps, he might soon lose his business completely and they would be left without money and with huge debts. . . But his wife was accustomed to a high standard of living. . . . I advised him to tell her everything he has. If not a close person, then who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not fail me. The patient at the next meeting reported that his wife heard him and said, "No problem, if that happens, I will go to work too. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love younow and I will always love you no matter what happens. Only from these words, the man had strength, the panic went away and his affairs improved - in every sense. At the last meeting, he told me: "I will not leave him. never my wife - I will remember this day all my life! "I think this woman deserves his love. And I'm calm about their relationship. I want people to love each other more, to appreciate, respect, support. And that these were not words, but deeds. .